Are you a parent who is always telling your child to share? Do you feel embarrassed when your child says 'no' to other children? Do you feel that reprimanding your children when they don't share will help them to become the so called "good children"? If yes, then please take a deep breath and note that it’s OK if your child doesn’t share all the time!
Yes, you read that correctly and it’s not some vague notion that just popped up in my head but backed 100% by research. But before I unleash the research on you, let’s just start by understanding what sharing actually means. Sharing means giving, playing cooperatively, taking turns and being fair. Now that’s a lot to ask for from a young child. Especially when his/ her development process doesn’t support it either .
Sharing is a developmental process. 2-3 year old's are egocentric in nature not because they are selfish but because they haven’t yet developed empathy, to see things from other people’s perspectives. This theory was developed by Jean Piaget, a psychologist famously known for his theory of cognitive development. The idea of sharing starts setting in by 3.5 years and can take few years for children to master. At this age, most children start to understand that others might have feelings that are different from their own. They also start understanding the idea of turn taking and waiting. But please be aware that even at 3.5 years or above, children will still engage in selective sharing. They might not want to share their favourite toy but might be ok to share less preferred toys . I urge you to respect that. As this implies to grown ups too! Will you give away your precious diamond ring or a favourite dress without batting an eyelid? Of course not! Then why should we expect our little people to do so?
Also children should not be forced to share randomly with everyone. They should learn to say phrases like “no”, “ not right now”, or “ I am not done”. Learning to say no is not unkind. It teaches children to recognize their feelings, be honest about them and not prioritize others feelings over theirs. Also it sends a message to the other child that they won’t get something that they desire instantly. Hence, subtly learning about waiting and self control.
Having said the above, children need to be consciously taught/ coached about sharing. Mindlessly making remarks like “sharing is caring” and reprimanding them when they don’t share, will not work in either your's or your child’s favour. When your child has a play date , talk and take out only those toys your child willingly wants to share. Keep the others away. Teach them the skills of negotiation when they are playing. “Now it’s my turn, later it will be your’s”. Refrain from calling them a good boy/ girl when they listen to you and share. Rather praise their action and say “ Your friend is happy that you shared”. Model sharing because children look up to their parents and imitate them all the time. Offer them a piece of chocolate from your chocolate bar, tell them if you shared your book/clothes/car with a friend. Little acts make a huge impact.
Always remember that even though your intentions to teach your children about sharing may be right, allow children to give naturally from their hearts, out of joy rather than out of fear or an obligation to make others happy. Sharing should make both the giver and the receiver joyful. Isn’t that what caring really means?
Trust your children and remind yourselves that this phase is temporary and a normal developmental phase. It has got nothing to do with selfishness or unkindness.
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